(taps mic) Let’s talk about SEX…or not?!

Most of you know that our oldest kid is entering fifth grade this school year. Along with that comes a new set of worries, topics of discussion, and interests to be prepared for - among other things. The Mister and I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with both kids. I had to learn early on how to keep my reactions and emotions in check when communicating with them so they will never feel like they can’t tell me something. In some instances, that was easier said than done.

From the time they could understand and communicate, we have always referred to body parts by the scientific names that they are given. Boys have penises and girls have vaginas – not ‘dingalings’ and privates LOL…you get the picture. In addition to this, we’ve also had the basic, on-going conversations about the appropriateness of other’s actions when it comes to touching, personal space, trusting their ‘inner gut’ feelings and the like. Right now, the boy child hasn’t admitted to ‘liking’ girls from the boyfriend/girlfriend perspective…thank God, but he has been the object of affection of one of the girls in his class. <Yeah…these lil girls are aggressive nowadays y’all. Watch your sons lol!>

One of the topics that we’ve cautiously approached with the boy child, however, is SEX. Instead of sitting him down and laying it all on the line, we decided that we would first listen to what he knows or has learned from his friends and clear up any misconceptions through questions and answers. By using this approach, we found out his knowledge is limited, but he and his friends have definitely been talking about it.

What’s funny is…I can’t recall for the life of me any conversations about sex with my parents, but I can recall every conversation I had with my friends; which is why I want to change the script with my kids – if at all possible LOL! We were so naive and totally off base. Thank God for books, health classes and that one aunt who sugar coats nothing!

Hence my question to you…

When did you first talk to your kids about sex? How old were they? Did you spoon feed them a little at a time? Did you wait until it was presented in a health class at school <or does that happen anymore>? When did you learn? Did your experience change how you communicated with your kid(s)?

I’m eager to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Let’s talk about it…

I am NOT in control!

Have you ever experienced something so traumatic and life altering that you literally try to forget that it ever happened? Or, the event was so devastating that when you’re past it and can look back, it’s hard to believe that it happened to you – almost like an out of body experience?

No? Maybe it’s just me.

On February 29, 2004, after a few years of trying to conceive, I gave birth to a baby girl. Lauren Ashley Brown…weighing 1.03 pounds. From the outside, she was perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one nose, two ears, hair, brown skin and alive. Small, but alive. Even as a newly, married couple (only a little over three years at this point) …because of the circumstances that led to her early delivery and the sense of ‘panic’ that was present all around us, we both knew only the hand of God would be able to disrupt the chaos and grant us peace.

After multiple visits to the NICU, numerous phone calls from doctors and nurses about her health and what we should expect…our beloved daughter died on April 5, 2004.

I was an emotional wreck. I felt abandoned, disheartened, and ashamed. It was as if God was punishing me for all the foolishness I had ever done. It took me <what seems like> an eternity to come to grips with what happened, learn more about God’s abundant love for me – outside of the ‘box’ I unknowingly put Him in, and move forward. I haven’t forgotten about my experience during that time, obviously, but most of the time I would rather try to keep it tucked away in a small area of my mind - being able to control the times and situations that it's talked about; which is the basis for this post. I am NOT in control!

Today, I am blessed to be the mother of a soon to be ten-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. Both are healthy, happy, well-rounded, enthusiastic, charismatic, smart children. Some time ago, the Mister and I decided to let them know that they had a sibling. A girl who was born before them, became sick, and God decided that He wanted her to come and live with Him.

The conversation was difficult, but well received. They had questions about her name, what she looked like and her age at the time of death. We showed them a few pictures and encouraged them to ask additional questions if/when necessary.

Since that time, the boy child has never, if ever, had anything more to say about his deceased sister. That girl child of ours, however…changes the game of life completely! <ya'll know her don't you lol>

If asked, by anyone, if she has any siblings, her reply <after learning about her sister> is…” I have a sister and a brother.” If asked their whereabouts she adds…”my sister is in heaven and my brother is…<at a place she discloses>.”

The first time I heard her responses, I was like a deer caught in headlights. Picture me standing at a store counter, mouth open, making a transaction with a deer-like expression on my face; while my kid is having this 'awkward' conversation with a stranger. (Cue the commercial with the famous slogan: "Wanna Get Away?")...because that's exactly how I felt.

And, despite the awkwardness of that first public call to the square by my six-year-old, my takeaway was - it isn't about me and what "I" can control. It's about God, His timing, and the situations that He orchestrates to bring us to the realization of, or to remind us of the fact that He is ultimately in control - of EVERYTHING.

Imagine that.

A moment of transparency...Pay Attention!

If we make it to September, if one of the kids doesn’t kill us in our sleep, if the creek doesn’t rise, if the Lord says the same, if I don’t pick up my hidden packed bag and walk out…The Mister and I will be married for 17 years! And that’s a long damn mighty long time.

Over the years, we’ve learned so much about each other and have overcome many things that we’ve seen tear others apart – even close friends. I’ll be the first to say that the adjustment from “Adulting” as a single person to life as a married person is NOT easy!  Forget what you’ve heard and forget what you’ve seen on TV, in movies, and on social media – it takes work.

But, this post isn’t about the ins and outs of how my marriage has survived, why I love and genuinely like my husband or why he’s so fantastically amazing. Nor is this post about my opinion of what others should do to sustain their marriages. <so, feel free to exhale and continue reading lol>

This post is more about the amount of time it can take someone to believe AND accept the often-repeated adage: “When people show you who they are…believe them, the first time.”

From day one of meeting my husband, he told me I was his soulmate. No lie.  The…very…first…day. Now that I think about it…that was a bold playa' move wasn't it? LOL! He was giving, attentive, willing to listen, caring…the list goes on and on.

After that day and over time...whenever I needed, whatever I needed…he was THAT - repeatedly. I knew it, but I didn't know it.

Fast forward to today. Twenty years, almost four months, and some odd days after our first meeting, a simple text message <after one whirlwind morning> hit me like a ton of bricks: “…whatever you need just let me know.”

This one text message...after years of "life," caused all kinds of bells and whistles to go off. I finally got it! 

Now, by no means am I telling you to wait twenty years before taking heed to the actions and words of others. And by no means am I telling you to break free of a relationship if it has been twenty years already. My point to you is to simply, Pay Attention!

Because, like me, you may want to believe something else entirely. Some way or the other, however, people will always show you exactly who they are – believe it, accept it, move on. Don't be hard headed...like me lol.

It's not about the trophy!

In a matter of days, we will be at the end of yet another school year. "Pomp and Circumstance" will have played over the loud speakers of local auditoriums and stadiums for the final time. Kids, teachers, and parents alike will be twerking over-the-moon excited about taking a much needed break from the daily bump and grind of schoolwork, traffic, grade monitoring and parent/teacher conferences.

One of the most significant lessons I've learned this year, as a parent, is the importance of advocating for your kid(s)... especially when they are too young to know how/when to do so for themselves.

Case in point...

If you follow me on any social media outlet, you know that my son was recently awarded a trophy for EARNING a spot on the honor roll each nine weeks this school year. He endured the constant nagging from his dad and I about always doing his best and not worrying about what others are/are not doing. The kid put in a lot of work to ensure that all of his homework assignments and projects were completed and turned in on time. He even performed well on most tests. Keep in mind though, he didn't really keep up with what his averages were in each class, however, he was certainly aware of the fact that any time his grades would 'slip', his Momma would ring his neck give him a stern talking to to help him get back on track LOL.

Imagine our disappoint at the awards ceremony when all of the students who were to receive trophies for their honor roll achievements were lined-up on stage and our kid's name was never called!

It wasn't until AFTER the ceremony was over and AFTER I went back to the classroom to insist that the homeroom teacher and I compare grades did he receive his trophy. The teacher had to, literally, use a printed copy of my kid's report card to verify his honor roll status. Very, VERY disappointing - especially in the age of computers and fancy grading software!

What if I wasn't an involved parent and missed the opportunity for my kid to see the positive results of their hard work? What would have happened if circumstances were different and he needed an additional credit in order to promote to the next grade level, but the teacher/school made a mistake in reporting? Would they eventually realize their error and notify us via mail? Would anyone call? Maybe? Maybe not?

I believe now, more than ever, that I do not need to apologize to anyone or feel guilty about advocating for my kid(s) - at least not at this stage of their life. I'm certain, somewhere down the road, they will have to learn to advocate for themselves. Until that time comes...

I'll continue to be their voice.

Happy Mother's Day!

"I'll Always Love my Momma"

God Fearing...Beautiful...Strong...Encouraging...Knows her children better than they know themselves...Would give her very last to any one of her children and SNATCH them up all at the same time...Nurturing...Caring...Self-Less...The Hero of her home...She is AMAZING!

To my Mom and to all of the other PHENOMENAL women who “Mother” whether it be through birth, love or both – Happy Mother’s Day!

Today...I cried.

I have a BLACK son.

During my entire drive to work...I wept and could not stop.

I wept over the state of this world.

I wept over the hearts of mankind.

I wept over the innocent lives that have been taken away at the hands of uncaring, misinformed, prejudice people.

I wept over the unspoken conversations with my BLACK son that have been rehearsed over and over again in my head.

I wept over the lives of every individual who will never know or attempt to know the depths of racial disparity.

But most of all...

I wept over the life of my son and other BLACK boys like him who have to figure out how to navigate this world while being...BLACK.

And still...I weep. 
#jordanedwards

To phone or not to phone...THAT is the question!

When the boy child was 2, his dad decided to purchase him an iPod. There were many opinions about the appropriateness of the gift. Some thought it was too expensive, some thought he was too young, some thought we were crazy…we thought "why not?"

At the time of the purchase…social media, text messaging, website monitoring, etc., wasn't on our radar. We downloaded a few apps and before long, he was downloading them himself. Life was good simple.

Fast forward to today…

He is now 9. And EVERY DAY is a fight!

“Mommy can I use your phone? Mommy can I use your iPad? Where is Daddy’s iPad? When can I have my own phone? ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAVE A PHONE! One of my friends have 2 phones. I’m the only one on earth without a phone!”

And the beat goes on and on and on and on…EVERY.DAY. <screams>

Hence the question:

When did you succumb to this parenting pain point and give your kid(s) a mobile device? Is it worth the headache...Hidden apps? Monitoring apps? If you have multiple kids, did each one earn the privilege at the same time? How has the privilege benefited you?

Do tell...