(taps mic) Let’s talk about SEX…or not?!

Most of you know that our oldest kid is entering fifth grade this school year. Along with that comes a new set of worries, topics of discussion, and interests to be prepared for - among other things. The Mister and I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with both kids. I had to learn early on how to keep my reactions and emotions in check when communicating with them so they will never feel like they can’t tell me something. In some instances, that was easier said than done.

From the time they could understand and communicate, we have always referred to body parts by the scientific names that they are given. Boys have penises and girls have vaginas – not ‘dingalings’ and privates LOL…you get the picture. In addition to this, we’ve also had the basic, on-going conversations about the appropriateness of other’s actions when it comes to touching, personal space, trusting their ‘inner gut’ feelings and the like. Right now, the boy child hasn’t admitted to ‘liking’ girls from the boyfriend/girlfriend perspective…thank God, but he has been the object of affection of one of the girls in his class. <Yeah…these lil girls are aggressive nowadays y’all. Watch your sons lol!>

One of the topics that we’ve cautiously approached with the boy child, however, is SEX. Instead of sitting him down and laying it all on the line, we decided that we would first listen to what he knows or has learned from his friends and clear up any misconceptions through questions and answers. By using this approach, we found out his knowledge is limited, but he and his friends have definitely been talking about it.

What’s funny is…I can’t recall for the life of me any conversations about sex with my parents, but I can recall every conversation I had with my friends; which is why I want to change the script with my kids – if at all possible LOL! We were so naive and totally off base. Thank God for books, health classes and that one aunt who sugar coats nothing!

Hence my question to you…

When did you first talk to your kids about sex? How old were they? Did you spoon feed them a little at a time? Did you wait until it was presented in a health class at school <or does that happen anymore>? When did you learn? Did your experience change how you communicated with your kid(s)?

I’m eager to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Let’s talk about it…

I am NOT in control!

Have you ever experienced something so traumatic and life altering that you literally try to forget that it ever happened? Or, the event was so devastating that when you’re past it and can look back, it’s hard to believe that it happened to you – almost like an out of body experience?

No? Maybe it’s just me.

On February 29, 2004, after a few years of trying to conceive, I gave birth to a baby girl. Lauren Ashley Brown…weighing 1.03 pounds. From the outside, she was perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one nose, two ears, hair, brown skin and alive. Small, but alive. Even as a newly, married couple (only a little over three years at this point) …because of the circumstances that led to her early delivery and the sense of ‘panic’ that was present all around us, we both knew only the hand of God would be able to disrupt the chaos and grant us peace.

After multiple visits to the NICU, numerous phone calls from doctors and nurses about her health and what we should expect…our beloved daughter died on April 5, 2004.

I was an emotional wreck. I felt abandoned, disheartened, and ashamed. It was as if God was punishing me for all the foolishness I had ever done. It took me <what seems like> an eternity to come to grips with what happened, learn more about God’s abundant love for me – outside of the ‘box’ I unknowingly put Him in, and move forward. I haven’t forgotten about my experience during that time, obviously, but most of the time I would rather try to keep it tucked away in a small area of my mind - being able to control the times and situations that it's talked about; which is the basis for this post. I am NOT in control!

Today, I am blessed to be the mother of a soon to be ten-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. Both are healthy, happy, well-rounded, enthusiastic, charismatic, smart children. Some time ago, the Mister and I decided to let them know that they had a sibling. A girl who was born before them, became sick, and God decided that He wanted her to come and live with Him.

The conversation was difficult, but well received. They had questions about her name, what she looked like and her age at the time of death. We showed them a few pictures and encouraged them to ask additional questions if/when necessary.

Since that time, the boy child has never, if ever, had anything more to say about his deceased sister. That girl child of ours, however…changes the game of life completely! <ya'll know her don't you lol>

If asked, by anyone, if she has any siblings, her reply <after learning about her sister> is…” I have a sister and a brother.” If asked their whereabouts she adds…”my sister is in heaven and my brother is…<at a place she discloses>.”

The first time I heard her responses, I was like a deer caught in headlights. Picture me standing at a store counter, mouth open, making a transaction with a deer-like expression on my face; while my kid is having this 'awkward' conversation with a stranger. (Cue the commercial with the famous slogan: "Wanna Get Away?")...because that's exactly how I felt.

And, despite the awkwardness of that first public call to the square by my six-year-old, my takeaway was - it isn't about me and what "I" can control. It's about God, His timing, and the situations that He orchestrates to bring us to the realization of, or to remind us of the fact that He is ultimately in control - of EVERYTHING.

Imagine that.

A moment of transparency...Pay Attention!

If we make it to September, if one of the kids doesn’t kill us in our sleep, if the creek doesn’t rise, if the Lord says the same, if I don’t pick up my hidden packed bag and walk out…The Mister and I will be married for 17 years! And that’s a long damn mighty long time.

Over the years, we’ve learned so much about each other and have overcome many things that we’ve seen tear others apart – even close friends. I’ll be the first to say that the adjustment from “Adulting” as a single person to life as a married person is NOT easy!  Forget what you’ve heard and forget what you’ve seen on TV, in movies, and on social media – it takes work.

But, this post isn’t about the ins and outs of how my marriage has survived, why I love and genuinely like my husband or why he’s so fantastically amazing. Nor is this post about my opinion of what others should do to sustain their marriages. <so, feel free to exhale and continue reading lol>

This post is more about the amount of time it can take someone to believe AND accept the often-repeated adage: “When people show you who they are…believe them, the first time.”

From day one of meeting my husband, he told me I was his soulmate. No lie.  The…very…first…day. Now that I think about it…that was a bold playa' move wasn't it? LOL! He was giving, attentive, willing to listen, caring…the list goes on and on.

After that day and over time...whenever I needed, whatever I needed…he was THAT - repeatedly. I knew it, but I didn't know it.

Fast forward to today. Twenty years, almost four months, and some odd days after our first meeting, a simple text message <after one whirlwind morning> hit me like a ton of bricks: “…whatever you need just let me know.”

This one text message...after years of "life," caused all kinds of bells and whistles to go off. I finally got it! 

Now, by no means am I telling you to wait twenty years before taking heed to the actions and words of others. And by no means am I telling you to break free of a relationship if it has been twenty years already. My point to you is to simply, Pay Attention!

Because, like me, you may want to believe something else entirely. Some way or the other, however, people will always show you exactly who they are – believe it, accept it, move on. Don't be hard headed...like me lol.