I am NOT in control!

Have you ever experienced something so traumatic and life altering that you literally try to forget that it ever happened? Or, the event was so devastating that when you’re past it and can look back, it’s hard to believe that it happened to you – almost like an out of body experience?

No? Maybe it’s just me.

On February 29, 2004, after a few years of trying to conceive, I gave birth to a baby girl. Lauren Ashley Brown…weighing 1.03 pounds. From the outside, she was perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one nose, two ears, hair, brown skin and alive. Small, but alive. Even as a newly, married couple (only a little over three years at this point) …because of the circumstances that led to her early delivery and the sense of ‘panic’ that was present all around us, we both knew only the hand of God would be able to disrupt the chaos and grant us peace.

After multiple visits to the NICU, numerous phone calls from doctors and nurses about her health and what we should expect…our beloved daughter died on April 5, 2004.

I was an emotional wreck. I felt abandoned, disheartened, and ashamed. It was as if God was punishing me for all the foolishness I had ever done. It took me <what seems like> an eternity to come to grips with what happened, learn more about God’s abundant love for me – outside of the ‘box’ I unknowingly put Him in, and move forward. I haven’t forgotten about my experience during that time, obviously, but most of the time I would rather try to keep it tucked away in a small area of my mind - being able to control the times and situations that it's talked about; which is the basis for this post. I am NOT in control!

Today, I am blessed to be the mother of a soon to be ten-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. Both are healthy, happy, well-rounded, enthusiastic, charismatic, smart children. Some time ago, the Mister and I decided to let them know that they had a sibling. A girl who was born before them, became sick, and God decided that He wanted her to come and live with Him.

The conversation was difficult, but well received. They had questions about her name, what she looked like and her age at the time of death. We showed them a few pictures and encouraged them to ask additional questions if/when necessary.

Since that time, the boy child has never, if ever, had anything more to say about his deceased sister. That girl child of ours, however…changes the game of life completely! <ya'll know her don't you lol>

If asked, by anyone, if she has any siblings, her reply <after learning about her sister> is…” I have a sister and a brother.” If asked their whereabouts she adds…”my sister is in heaven and my brother is…<at a place she discloses>.”

The first time I heard her responses, I was like a deer caught in headlights. Picture me standing at a store counter, mouth open, making a transaction with a deer-like expression on my face; while my kid is having this 'awkward' conversation with a stranger. (Cue the commercial with the famous slogan: "Wanna Get Away?")...because that's exactly how I felt.

And, despite the awkwardness of that first public call to the square by my six-year-old, my takeaway was - it isn't about me and what "I" can control. It's about God, His timing, and the situations that He orchestrates to bring us to the realization of, or to remind us of the fact that He is ultimately in control - of EVERYTHING.

Imagine that.